A Muslimah 's Struggles of Life - Part 2
I was touched and moved by this sisters life. I was put to shame because I felt what I was going through is nothing compared to these struggles. Ofcourse my pain and agonny of life is unbearable but hearing others struggles make me feel grateful to Allah!. I would like to share with you ths sister's story . Iam sure many would be inspired by her inshaAllah to be more grateful to Allah(swt)
Struggles of Life - Part 2
She continues:
There are millions of people in the United States who are worse
off than me. So many of us are living "day-to-day".
Especially in places like Silicon Valley - the region
in California where a lot of the high tech companies
are. So many thousands of people keep losing their
jobs and they don't have a place to live because the
cost of living is so high here (houses cost around
$700,000 on average these days, and many are more
expensive - like $800,000, $900,000, and $1 Million or
more).
I've been struggling all my
life in one way or another - or several ways at the
same times. For example, this weekend I got a letter
from the State tax office. They are claiming that I
owe them money (which I do not). It's very
aggravating - they go after people that they think do
not have any money to hire a lawyer to dispute them
(they are wrong this time - I can afford it because I
have a pre-paid legal service plan that is only $26.00
a month - as opposed to regular attorney rates being
charged these days of $200 or $300 an HOUR!) Anyway,
that kind of thing happens to me all the time - it's
like a black cloud that follows me around and I always
seem to have the worst luck on things. I spend so
much of my daily life tracking down records and
disputing things like this - bills, bills, bills - as
if the bills themselves are not trouble enough, right?
Well the good news is that because my life has been so
full of struggles of all kinds (physical, health,
financial, emotional, educational, familial, etc. -
almost any kind you can imagine - I've had them!),
this has also allowed me plenty of experience to know
the truth that all things happen for a good reason,
that things will always turn out for the best in the
long run, and that I will be the better for the
struggles later on down the road, too. So by now (I'm
45 years old), it's a habit, I guess, to be patient
and wait it out while I struggle to get through the
difficulties.
Right now, alhamdulillah (and for the past 6 years), I
have been living in an apartment in a duplex building
(it's a building with two
apartments in it) that my brother owns. If I am a few
days late on the rent, I know that he will be lenient
with me and not kick me out. Plus, the history of our
living in this building is such that for a while I
took care of my brother. You see, before I got sick
and disabled, I was an international Director of
Operations at a company that one of my brothers also
worked at - both of us were managers - he was the VP
of Information Technology. He and I both worked
there, but I had a different name because I had beend
married and divorced, but still used the married name
as is the custom here - so most people never knew we
were related, even those that hired us. Both of us
are extremely hard workers, very serious, don't mess
around, and get a lot of hard work done. So this
allowed both of us to have been hired and promoted a
couple of times within the company. At that time that
he wanted to buy this property though, the bank said
he didn't make enough money - even with the salary he
was making at the Vice President level. Because it
wasn't enough to get the bank loan, I "co-signed". We
were both desperate to get into a new apartment
because the costs were getting outside of what we
could afford anywhere else, and the only way to really
afford those kind of rents were to have a very high
paying job, or have enough money to buy a house where
you would get more for the money you did pay out. The
place where we had been living kept raising our rent
on us every six months by about $600 a month - it was
getting outrageous.
I did not want to buy the house because of a situation
that happened to me when I was first married (long
story made short, my husband at the time went off the
deep end, I had to basically "run for my life" and to
protect my kids, I divorced him, had to sell the house
we had been living in, but the market had dropped out
of the real estate business, so after the house was
sold, I still owed $45,000. The lender "forgave" that
money, but the US government considered it money in my
pocket - which is was not - and charged me tax on that
as if it were a whole second year's income that I had
in my bank that I did not!) The end result was that a
certified tax accountant who used to do the accounting
for the White House or Pentagon had amended my taxes -
apparently there was a loophole in the law that said
if a person is "insolvent" (which I was at that time),
the government should not collect taxes on such a sale
of real estate where there is money "forgiven" by the
lender. However, the government did not accept that
amendment (found out years later it was because it was
not on a proper FORM!), and they harrassed me until
one day they just ordered the bank to "freeze" all my
money. I had NO money AT ALL - nothing - and could DO
nothing because without my account, I could not pay
for anything, not even food for me and the kids.
All that happened a little later in the story, but I
was dealing with the government and the tax situation
before they took all my money BEFORE my brother wanted
to get this property. I was very uncomfortable
getting into a real estate situation again (and
believe me, I have left out a lot of horrible details
that if they happened to anyone else, they would be
uncomfortable about ever wanting to buy a house again,
too). But for my brother, I did co-sign on the loan,
with the understanding that after a couple of years he
would refinance - get another loan and take me off
the loan papers. He still charged me $1500 a month
rent, but the going rate was about $2,000 a month and
it is even higher now. At one point (because he's not
the best landlord), he charged me $1900 a month - that
was when I got re-married. He said he had to raise the
rent because there was another person living in the
house with us.
Well, just after we got this duplex/house, I got sick
and disabled, had to quit work and I was pretty much
bed-ridden. But alhamdulillah, I had already met and
agreed to marry Mansoor and even though I told him it
was not fair for him to be stuck with a sick woman at
the very beginning of the marriage, he insisted that
he still wanted to marry me. There happened one of
those times when things work out - Allah gives you a
relief from your troubles for a while. I had no job
and no money, but he was able to get a job that
supported us.
A few months after I was married, my BROTHER lost HIS
job (same reason most people do around here - politics
in the corporate world and "downsizing". In this
case, our company was acquired by another company and
they got rid of all but a few original company
employees. So he was out of a job then, and it took
him a YEAR to find another one. In the meantime, he
relied on us to pay our rent and we fed him. This is
why I am not TOO concerned about the fact that we all
still worry from day to day whether we can continue to
make the payments. One reason is because we helped
him out before, so if we get stuck and he's still
working, I think he would let us stay here a few
months until we could find work again. Another reason
is because he is not sure (as is the case with
EVERYONE these days) whether his current job will
continue. He needs us to be in the property and pay
something if he is without work again. And the last
reason is because the prices of the homes have gone up
so high that if he could not afford to make the
payments anymore and had to sell the house, he could
make a big enough profit that IF he took that profit
and moved to a certain other location in the USA, he
could buy about 3 homes with it.
Why don't we do that? You ask! Well, I think he is
staying in Calfiornia here in this area because I am
here. And I am here against my will because my first
husband (a lawyer) knows the tiny details of the
family law in California and he knows that the courts
will side with the parent who has the most money to
support the kids. In California, the men get more
rights than the women do a lot of the times (stemming
from a period in history when women were lying and the
men fought back so that now they have more rights).
My ex husband knows that the law gives him 50% "legal
custody" rights even though he cannot have physical
custody of them due to his history of abuse and
neglect, and his history of alcoholism, drug
addiction, and mental health crises. Still, the
loophole in the law here says that his "legal custody"
rights cannot ever be taken away and that law gives
him the right to decide 50% of the "vote" so to speak,
on where we will live. He refuses to let us leave the
San Francisco bay area.
At one point, when most people would think that they
might kill themslves over the struggle - not being
able to take it any longer - such as when my current
husband lost his job at Apple, and I had no money, I
looked on the bright side. I said, "It's the perfect
time to move out of here! Because we have no jobs and
no money, we can petition the court to make a judgment
that it is in the best interests of the children if we
move back across the country to where all of my family
is, where rents are $200 to $400 a month only, and
where I can run businesses from home. Or we could
move onto the property that my parent's own until we
get on our feet again!"
Unfortunately, my ex husband started to lose his
temper and self-control, and I was afraid he would
kill me - no matter what the court said. Then to make
matters worse, he suddenly came up with a whole lot of
extra money that he was able to pay our rent with for
a couple of months until we could borrow money. So
that plan to leave didn't work out for us.
But as I said.... things always seem to have a way of
working out for the best, and there always seems to be
a good reason for everything that ever happens. Yes,
we're struggling right now, but it's a familiar
struggle at least. I am not HAPPY struggling (is
anyone ever happy struggling?) I dream all the time
of something better, of being able to live in
different places, with cleaner air and water, a
quieter, less crowded neighborhood, etc. (I often
dream of being back out on a farm like where I used to
live with my parents). But I know how to be patient
through this and keep struggling. It's difficult
sometimes to remain patient, but I just keep thinking
of the bright side of things, of knowing that Allah
has a good reason for this, and that things will
eventually work out for the better.
Hmm... speaking of the ex husband - he just called me.
We were just discussing what things the kids have
left over at his place when they visited him this past
weekend. They lose so many things, and he just won't
help keep them organized. One time he returned their
clothes 4 years after they had been left there. When
that happens, I have to go out and buy them new
clothes - this happens all too often - another
struggle I am familiar with!
Anyway, the kids are 14 now (boy/girl twins), and when
they are 18 - just 4 more years - the court cannot
force any of us to do anything with regard to the ex
husband and visitations anymore. The kids will then be
adults and can make up their own minds whether they
want to live here or visit him or whatever. I keep
telling myself it's only a few more years, only a few
more years, only a few more years! Especially this
year for some reason - it seems easier to deal with
the time left, as though it is such a short period of
time now. When I divorced him, the kids were only 3
years old, and from then until they turned 18 seemed
like an eternity! But 4 years of high school can go
by in a flash, I know this, so I feel like the next 4
years will not be such a torturous wait.
Insha'Allah, life will get better after that. That's
what I'm waiting patiently for, hoping for, praying
for. I am almost excited about it, dreaming up ways
that I will change my lifestyle, where I will live,
what I will do, etc. It is kind of like a prison term
for me, waiting, waiting until the day I will be
released and seeing that day slowly, slowly coming
nearer. I've been in California against my will and
dealing with that man since 1986 - 19 years already.
I just hope it is not like the man in history I read
about (was it in a hadith?) who was a prisoner. For
20 or 30 years he was a prisoner. Each day he was to
do work out on the grounds of the prison where he
could watch ships come and go in the harbour. He kept
thinking to himself, "One day, that will be my ship of
salvation and will take me away from here!" Finally,
that day did arrive when he was freed and his ship had
come in. Yet, he had become too familiar with the
prison and that life, and so he found in the end that
he loved his life there and could not leave. I forgot
how the story ended - if he ever actually left or not.
But he at least was bitter-sweet about the freedom,
struggling with the decision of whether or not to go.
I hope that doesn't happen to me.
Well I have to get to work on a LOT of things today.
Never did get the bills paid over the weekend because
I was cleaning house so much I got overwhelmed with
exhaustion and pain. Had to take a rest yesterday, so
I have more to catch upon today.
Insha'Allah, you don't have to ever struggle so much,
but if you do, just remember that it's temporary
compared to Allah's time, and even our time in this
world. And remember that Allah always gets us through
the troubles eventually with something good at the
other end!
